Good Bye

You were this tall dominating figure in my life, someone who would always try to be fair.  You weren't perfect as we know but you were always you.  You were straight up with people and never dicked them around, you called a spade a spade, you liked who you liked and didn't bother with those you didn't.

You were never sick a day in your life, unless it was self inflicted and then u would still get up and take us out for a drive or picnic.

You were only 65 when you were diagnosed with Metastatic Malignant Melanoma in June of this year.  The hospital and surgeons were quick booking you in to get the 2 large brain tumors removed.  Unfortunately because they couldn't find the main source of the Melanoma, we new no matter how good things had gone there was always the chance they would come back.  I've never seen anything like it, when the surgeons mentioned it was cancer you kinda shut down.  Even though I was proud of you for the way you decided to fight it, I was never more proud to be your daughter.

I remember having to tell my kids, and holding them and watching while they all started to cry, I remember promising (because I didn't know what else to say) that you weren't going to die.  I remember coming into the hospital and seeing you two days after the surgery, and the way you looked defeated from it all.  You couldn't talk properly, or move your right hand, or remember basic things, the frustration you must of felt of being there was clear to everyone around.  However the nurse when she explained how you had fallen over the night after your surgery, never realised or told us just how bad that fall had been.  It was that fall that lead you to the second brain surgery, and it was that fall that caused four titanium plates to buckle and push against your brain. There was a great improvement after that second surgery which had you being discharged on the 9th of July.

One night we had you home dad, before your breathing started to sped up.  I listened to the 111 operator and I did everything she told me to do.  I got you sitting on the bed and helped you to slow your breathing down.  I wonder who it was you were looking at over my shoulder during that time.  I will never forget how blue your eyes went, when you passed away and I swear that I saw your soul leave your body.  Me and my 16 yr old boy we spent what seemed like hours doing CPR on you dad.  The tears streaming down both our faces as we cursed and asked you not to leave us.  But leave us you did.  At least you will never have to go through all the pain and suffering you would of had to other wise, all the chemo and radiation.  You went your own way, surrounded by people who love you, and for that I will always be thankful.

I'm sorry dad, I tried everything to keep you with us.  I will have to live with that guilt for the rest of my life.  I will live with the images of that night for the rest of my life.

 You will never be forgotten dad, and you will always be loved by those of us you left behind.  Whenever I hear Elvis singing 'I did it my way' I automatically will think of you because you did it your way.

Love always Kimmy.